31 October, 2012

HalloWeaned

Alone on Halloween, kind of blows. I will do my ritual of the original Halloween and Charlie Brown of course, but it's lacking something when there's not someone cuddling up beside you. Guess I need to put the big boy pants on and get used to this, there's some more holidays down the pike and they aren't any more fun alone.

30 October, 2012

Torn

I have no time to write, should be on my way to work. Today, I'm troubled by a dream last night. Not really understanding it's meaning, if any, but it was unique. In the dream, I was unconsciously eating pictures of a friend. The feeling I had when it was brought to my attention what I was doing was one of being unsettled with the friend in the photo, and then one of being disturbed that I would destroy my mementos of this person, having so few. I don't know, it's odd, but it's message is confusing to me. A couple people have offered their thoughts and research on it, and what's been said doesn't feel right or completely the opposite of how I feel. Want to shake the feeling.

I may have over-estimated what Sunday was. Just not going to think about it or evaluate it any longer. I want it to be nice; I want it to be like it was. Not going to push it or allow it to affect my emotions to the best of my ability. But I can be pushy and overanalyzing most times, and my need to have peace and resolution quickly is my issue, not anyone else's, and certainly no one is responsible for meeting this need of mine.

Gotta run. I got no feedback on Haloeween V.4, so I think it was a bust. Granted, it's audience of 2 is selective, but I don't think I compiled a hit this time around. I will keep trying!!!

28 October, 2012

a puzzle without corner pieces

It's inappropriate for me to spill the abstract of my emotions here when I have grave concerns about the NE. My work week will begin in a rescue atmosphere for some of our largest centers in the NE. It's going to be a no-holds-barred stress factory until Thursday. I will gladly take that stress so that people evacuate and are safe. It's really a concerning situation.

Where last week was a dissolving of comfort, this week is a reconnection with the people I love. I am of course thankful to have those connections, but it's toll on my emotions is difficult to articulate. I am not sure what I feel or what I should feel. Confusion is the best I can come up with. Distrust is another. What's wrong with me? What is it that I do that drives someone to the point of exploding at me, or cutting me off completely? It's obviously something related to my behavior because far too many people have made efforts to isolate themselves from me to be coincidence. It's something I need to sit and reflect on and understand it's source and correct it by whatever means are needed. The last thing I want is a remaining bitterness between myself and someone I care about; someone that cared about me. Maybe I do forgive too willingly? Forgiveness, is an aspect of love that I feel is vital. It is not forgetting, but I recognize that people act out of anger, bitterness, and of course, we all make mistakes or phrase things in a selfish way. Sometimes it's a pattern people get locked into. There is hurt that comes about from these occurrences, on both sides, and I have a hard time letting someone important in my life become a ghost. If there was abuse involved then the circumstances to protect yourself are certainly different, but in instances where it's emotional and raw, I hold on to the belief that there can be a horizon where two people that care about one another can find a way back. While I am willing to forgive, trust is much harder. Being hurt isn't high on the "Things I'd Like To Do Today" list. I can only be hurt by love, and love can be such an insidious creature. It knows every fragility; it's vocabulary is mentally penned with confidences and trusts bestowed; and love's warmth is only paralleled by it's ability to be callously cold. I know I am rambling a bit here, my thoughts are jigsaw scattered. When I am asked tomorrow how my weekend was; "surreal" will be my response. I could not have imagined I would be watching dawn break with you, beyond even seeing you after so much absence, I must have seemed scared...

I finally witnessed the spectacle and sexuality of Orlando's Halloween. A lonelier person could masturbate endlessly for months on the things I witnessed last night. I can't find fault with adults using Halloween as an opportunity to express whatever they wear beneath their skin on any average day. I do find exception with how that has translated into teen and children's costumes. Not every fantasy/film/career/icon needs to be hyper-sexualized whether it's what my kid wants or not. In my opinion, it is not okay if my child wants to be a sexy vamp on this one day out of the year. She/He is not adult enough to understand the dynamics of being "sexy" and that it's more than the attention it garners. To be honest, most adults don't understand it either. I realize this is an old argument and I am not offering anything new to the debate. Wearing next to nothing generally shows a lack of imagination, and the fantasy you are bringing to the party is one that probably would turn your stomach if it was painted out for you. Challenge me, bring me your imagination, show me who you idolize or want to pay your homage to. What speaks to you? I did certainly see some of that as well, and when all is said and done - it was an experience I'm glad to have been a part of.

Well, I need to close. Things to do. I likely will be scarce for a bit...until Sandy is done. Everyone take care and have an amazing Halloween. Much love!

21 October, 2012

the Land of Undelivered Love

Everywhere around me are gifts for someone who as of Monday wishes to have nothing to do with me. I'm not really sure what will become of this melange of misfit love? Part of me hopes that it will in some way find an open door to their intended recipient, because despite what she thinks, I do have a great deal of care for her and I always will, connected or not. I am still a little broken at the shattering of that tie, but I have to accept it. Had the previous day not been a complete disaster and dissolving of my bond with my ex, then I probably wouldn't have been able to swallow the end so acceptingly - but because I was already hemorrhaging from all the insidious little words thrown at me the day before, being cut-off this way seemed like just one more shovel of dirt. I basically waited to hit the bottom/cliche county song scenarios to unfold: car breaks down; loses job; pet dies. Unfortunately, from a completely selfish perspective, I am without anyone locally I can trust or confide in. Yes, I am to blame for that in my choice of words. I happen to believe that I am capable of making mistakes and I may sometimes be selfish, and though it's not okay, I think it's forgivable. But that's not my choice to make.

Maybe I didn't lose my job, my car, my pet - but this week, right up until today has been no less a rollercoaster and a series of unforeseen chaos. Between system issues at work and having to defend people I don't respect, it's almost been an out of body experience. I am too tired to explore all those details tonight; I will in another post this week. My five hours of sleep since Thursday has wrecked my ability to conjoin words into cohesive patterns that represent recognizable language.

Inexplicably, this week/weekend comes to a close with closure. With so few people in my life now, there simply aren't a lot of loose ends that occur. On a positive note, I was part of and witnessed something that gives me hope for someone I care about but haven't had much interraction with in the past few weeks. A night and morning filled with so much disgust, anger, and difficulty - somehow turned into a new beginning. Maybe they hit the bottom finally; somehow I am envious. But mostly frightened as to what bottom looks like for me when I've already been through so much hurt.

Listening to: Ethyl Meatplow - "KCRW - 1 August 1993"

16 October, 2012

Worn Thin

I've been respectful; I've been patient. I didn't ask for this situation, but I accepted it for what it was. Instead of choosing anger and bitterness, I chose to continue extending my heart. I chose to block out all those disgusting things you said about me and instead keep the words that I clung to as real and important. Maybe that was a green light to continue treating me like crap? My acceptance of your attitude towards me is completely broken at this point. Trust is gone. I'm letting go of you now, and you may take your place in the cornfield with the rest of the people that think my feelings and needs are secondary to their's.

13 October, 2012

All Beauty Has It's Bashers

This is going to be a long post, and I hope it doesn't get lost along the way. I am going to go in order to try and avoid the wandering. Beauty and It's Bashers is the yin & yang of my last four days. Trust - misplaced. Unconditional love - under certain circumstances. Friendship - on your terms. Frivolity - emotional hatred.

With so much hesitation, to the point of nausea - I reluctantly agreed to meet you. We talked, and you offered volumes of understanding; unyielding remorse over the way I was treated; and such a high pedestal of reassurance that the slightest tumble could be treacherous. I learned from our conversation, that your dalliances had again attained Lazarus miracles. Flag. I knew enough by the time you vacated the passenger seat, that nothing would be different, and so, I made no suggestion of revisiting our decay. You could have easily brought me in, because this void of interraction in my life is a difficult one. And though I'd rather it not be you, I was half-willing to have anything good or bad.

I spent all day Friday comforted by the thought that I was going to go out, on my own and just do what I wanted. See some art, see some friends, and then go home and crawl into bed with Irma Vep. No, you cannot have this Mr. Marrs. You are going to babysit despite promises that you won't. And then you will be responsible for taming the shrew. Take that dumbass. You opened the door and you got home invaded. Fuck me. It's another scathing reminder every time I receive your texts, your voicemails, and your phantom apologies.

I went to bed at 3-ish, and spent an hour cursing myself before slipping into a dream land. It was equally unforgiving. Bad dreams in which H. was involved, and 3 hours of sleep. I forced myself out of the apartment and made my way to Sanford on a beautiful Saturday morning. Stopped for a mocha and a toasted, pumpkin-walnut bagel with pumpkin schmear. "Oh, thank you, Einstein for giving me back my smile!" Picked up my friends, and headed to the Halloween Folk-Art Festival. Before we arrived at the parking lot, I spied with the corner of my eye, an old, brick building off the beaten path. The Pico Building was a hotel at one time, but it looked so much like a firehouse to me. Traveling around the perimeter of the building reveled several Masonic symbols, and curiously enough, a Masonic Lodge was housed behind this relic. It appeared to be in the throes of restoration, but it kept it's internal secrets. The festival was so amazing, and I hate that I missed this the past two years. I was not prepared that it would be happening amidst an air show and Sanford's Biketoberfest. I asked my friends if Sanford blew the entire city budget on this one weekend and asked if we could expect fireworks at dusk. The folk-art gallery was breathtaking, and housed about 20 vendors. Anna Maiya was the only recognizable face, but I met some wonderful artists and more importantly, R. and K. had a great time. I picked up a number of business cards, and met some artists showing for the first time that live in Orlando, so I am going to try and hook them up locally if I can. I was totally comfortable and all of the artists allowed me to be comfortable. I did not encounter any negativity or ego - and it was a great day! Completely worth the $5 entry fee. What I found astonishing is, that Friday night was the opening day, and entrance was $20 - but the majority of the artists sold extremely well. One lady I met from NJ had her tables cleared! People love Fall and Halloween!!! And I think that's especially true in a place like Florida because a lot of Floridians are transplants that miss the seasons, and the Crackers embrace it because it's our facade of seasons.

From the festival, we hit the antique stores along 1st. Immediately, I wanted H. with me, and it's a feeling that clung to me like a cardigan throughout my afternoon in Sanford. All I could think about was her new art project and, "how perfect this is, that is, how would this inspire her?" Maybe this is unhealthy for me to be doing, but it comes so naturally. I did settle on something, and maybe she will find a use for it? I really want to return with her... sigh. I fell in love with something for myself: a Bell & Howell 8 MM video camera. $30, good grief! I was assured it worked. I want, I want, I want! I may need to ride over again on payday.

We headed over to lunch. I wanted Fish & Chips - but we decided on the seemingly empty Corner Cafe. We opened the door to chaos. I had utter sympathy for staff; the boss was an ass and the bikers were rude. We waited patiently for 30 minutes for our food, and I was wholly unimpressed, and I will share my experience on Yelp. Our day ran late and we needed to pick up the kids, so as we waited for K. and the children, R. and I talked. My high went completely flatline. I am not going to write verbatim what was shared, but it broke my heart. K. is a mother of 2 in her early 30's, has a huge heart and unconditionally loves and supports her husband and family and asks for nothing in return. But she is being taken for granted, and I don't if I should or how I will open this door with her. It's so depressing to know how she is being seen, why did he share this with me?!

I'm home. Feeling off to say the least. From last night, to the dream, to today - it could very well have just been wonderful, but the color was bleached from that waterolor. Part of it was my own undoing. My effort to find beauty without compromise continues. It exists, I've seen it. I'm curious what the remainder of my weekend offers, but I am inspired enough by today's art excursion to continue the decorating.

10 October, 2012

Oh Rozz

Still, I listen to your voice; hear your words; and the emotions usher forth. I was admittedly already on the fragile side. I really am not in a writing mood, but my head is flooding, or sinking actually.

I try to treat people with respect. I'd like for the people that are close to me to feel important and special, and I think it's something I am consistent in doing. I don't believe I am demanding of a person's time, attention, or focus. But more than once, I've been left feeling like there's no time for me. Something oddly enough I never asked for, and secondly, don't feel I should be dismissed because of. Yes, I understand your life is chaos, and I fully understand and respect it, and never once suggested it was an issue for me. I do feel however, I deserve something a little more than, nothing or excuses. You chose to sacrifice 'friendship' (I thought it was), because of a schedule, and I certainly deserve better than that. I am not a commodity you can return to the store, I am non-refundable, and now I am not trusting as well. If it's my feelings you wanted to spare, you tragically failed, despite your least amount of effort. Anyway, it's gone now. I'm not mad or bitter towards you and I hope it's the resolve you needed.

Sitting here surrounded by a pile of paper scraps, envelopes, rubber stamps, and my fingers are charcoal-colored from all the ink. "Would anyone else do this?", I wonder. "Does it matter?" "Is this the problem?" I'm so confused, it just seems like sharing, caring, and trusting are like razors to my relationships. And since this is who I am, I feel hopeless and lost in the idea that I will find someone. I look at my alternatives, and I don't know how to care about football, and bimbos, and the new Linkin Park album. I don't know how to be dismissive of someone's feelings, or shut-off to emotion, or cast a blank stare at anything with sub-text or requires reading between the lines. But I seriously feel like my personal life is in ruin because I cannot learn and adopt these qualities. I feel utterly unique, but not at all special. So, I look at all these parcels and tethers to friendship, and I think, it's fragile and fleeting and soon to be gone. I'm begging for evidence to the contrary.

Anyway, I need to go and make an effort at sleep.

Listening to: "Haloeween V.4"

07 October, 2012

Crashed

It's such beautiful weather tonight, it beckons me to be outside, but I have no where to be. Half of me wants to get in the car and go somewhere, the depressed half just wants to shut in and shut off.

I am not down because of any one thing in particular. I think I am disappointed more than anything, because I thought I turned that corner. Yes, my plans for Friday didn't come to fruition, but I understood it and i was fine with it. Even today's plans falling through. If that's all it had been, no problem. But the conversation this morning, I was unprepared for it, and I have no idea where it came from. I am not in any position to demand or expect disclosure, I hope I am getting honesty. Nonetheless, it was a conversation that I have complete confidence will be revisited (unfortunately), and it will likely be a third party to our excursions (if any) going forward. I'm left feeling convinced this is another relationship that is damaged, and it was one of only a handful remaining that I had trust in. Not unlike my failling out with T and no less confusing.

I decided to follow this up with some History Detectives. What could possibly fucking go wrong with that idea? Touching on a completely different set of emotions was the story of a Vietnam Veteren who had in his possession for 50 years, a journal he procured from the body of a slain North Vietnamese soldier. Guilt had been his companion through life, and before he died, he wished to make it right and illicited the help of Wes Cowen to somehow find a way to return the journal to the slain soldier's family. Unbelievably, he was able to do just that with the help of the U.S. State Department and Vietnamese government. I was literally crying like I haven't cried in I don't even know how long. The words of this slain soldier's family coupled with the visible pain and guilt of this American veteran was too much. When the story finished, I turned off everything but the computer and finished up Haloeween V.4. I may have chosen a bad day to do so; it's not my best effort, but I do feel accomplished with it. Going to send it out to two people this coming week.

I was feeling a bit better and put on a documentary I've been excited to watch, Z Channel: A Magificent Obsession. I knew right from the onset, this was not going to be an easy journey. Basically, Z Channel was a Los Angeles-area cable network channel that preceeded HBO, Showtime, etc. It was not the first, but it was very successful. More than that, under the direction of Jerry Harvey, the station was innovative, provocative, and inspiring. Harvey sought out lost films, and would befriend (obsessively) directors for films they had made that saw little to no release. And because he would air these, commercial-free and unedited, he won the hearts of directors, actors, and producers - he provided a voice that wasn't dictated by critics or movie studios or budgets. It's praise was finally being realized when they saved Heaven's Gate from oblivion and Salvador from editor's ruin and managed to get James Woods an Academy nod as a result. Sadly, Harvey carried some darkness, and it managed to free itself from his control and he murdered his wife and then himself. A close friend of his was rather eloquent in describing the damage his darkness brought to so many lives, and how palpable and real it was. But believed that the inspiration and innovation of such a man can be equally palpable. I left this viewing feeling rather fucking wrecked.

It's officially Sunday now, and I am going to start this day off with something positive. H and I spent a lot of time texting Friday, and I feel confident we can salvage a friendship from what we've shared. The emotions are still raw, but the hurt is subsiding. We are sharing again, and I hope that will lead to trust and a willingness to hang out or have an adventure again. Time will tell, and I am not pushing it. The simple truth is, H is sometimes the only foundation I find when my own is bottoming out. It just reinforces what I already know, what an amazing and wonderful person she is.

Listening to: ✝ DE△D VIRGIN ✝ - "Anxieties"