07 May, 2012

Oh effff - Part Two

There's a lot to figure out now. I need to evaluate the relationships in my life and determine if they have value in my life, and balance that with what value am I bringing to other's lives? I'm a classic over-extender, I will do more than I am able to help someone or just even make them feel good - and do nothing to allow myself feel better. RSD is a good example of it. I justify it though - if a friend needs help and I have the money - isn't that more important than a handful of records to add to my already inflated collection? I don't know. I do however know when the card is flipped and I find myself in need, there's no one to turn to. Hell, I can't even pick up the phone and call one of the few people I trust, because for all intents and purposes, I cannot exist at certain times. It's really complex, when all I want is simple - but simple will never be a word that appears in that epitaph, and I'm quite confident that is the direction it's going.

I have purchased quite a bot of art this year. Bethy Williams, Johanna Ost, Tonya Dickie, Dennis Hansbury, Johanna O'Donnell and photography from Kim Marshall. I was also gifted art from Ralph Verano, Anne Schummer and Joe Quillsong. I don't feel so naked art-wise anymore. Still some room for a Cake, a Steve Parker, and others. There's so many great local artists touching upon so many different talents and styles. Makes me wonder if you would find this in any large city? I'm convinced you would, which just blows my mind... there must be so much amazing art out there I've never seen... makes me want to get in the car and go drive to the next big city and hit the local art venues. Money would help!

Some of my new musical discoveries have been a movement dubbed witchcore or hex house. It's goth, indie, hip hop, occult, and sometimes satanic. Quite interesting. Heroin And The Vein is a Lynch-esque soundscape moreso than Dirty Beaches. It's been in my rotation heavily. I also stumbled upon Under Byen, Gotye, EMA, Sleep Party People, Kindest Lines, and Two Step Horror (good luck finding anything from them). A lot of this will be making it's way in a package to Maisy. Going to Dead Can Dance in September. To be perfectly honest, for as excited I am about this show, I am equally apprehensive. And it has nothing to do with the band. There's a whole Pandora's Box traveling to this show, and I worry like hell about that lid coming off. I can almost guarantee with the track record of the 4 previous Fridays... I've not the skills to prevent that lid from coming off. Have to close again... more later.

06 May, 2012

Oh effff

It's been a great while since I posted. I devoted a lot of time to ronmarrs.com,only to let that domain expire. Oh well, later date I suppose. There's been quite a bit going on, but unfortunately, I cannot delve into that here. At least my close friends know what's going on, and I have to leave it at that. I will however talk about what I can talk about...

Where to start? The last concert I went to was Zola Jesus. I took a friend, and we had a great time. I had completely underestimated the power of Nika Roza Danilova's voice. It was a sonic wall in The Social, bringing everyone in and tearing them apart simultaneously. Who out of the entire venue got a Zola Jesus hug, my friend of course! She's truly magnetic. If you ever see that the band is coming to town, don't hesitate to go, you will not be disappointed. And I assure you, what lies ahead for Zola Jesus is bigger things, so seeing them in a small venue will be a thing of the past before you know it.

Completely missed out on Record Store Day. Partly because I was emotionally wrecked, partly because of money. There were only a handful of things I had my eye on anyway - so not a great loss.Maybe I will cross paths with them somewhere down the line.

Personally, I can count good days on one hand, wrecked days on two hands, and lonely days on a dozen or so hands. I definitely have friends, but none that I can call up anytime and say, "Feeling down, need company, help." One particular friend, I've opened up to quite a bit and put my heart squarely in the middle of the dinner table for. Wreckless, but anyone that knows me - in matters of the heart, that's how I roll. As much as I would love this friend to reciprocate that sharing, it isn't happening. I'm on demand, they are anything but. That's not to say this person doesn't care, it's just a complicated situation that I don't foresee ever changing. It's heart-breaking. Back to my coping mechanisms. So far, that's consisted of copious amounts of wine and rum. I'm turning into my ex-wife's friend, Rob. I should perhaps just adopt the Hunter S. Thompson persona and live life on the fringe. I have met someone I am keenly interested in, but she is extremely cautious and rightfully so. She's beautiful, intelligent, and focused, and quite unlike anyone I have dated or wanted to date in the past. She is also divorced, and has a 5 yr. old son. Kids are something that I have discussed with people a lot lately, and it's definitely not something that scares me. I am completely open to the idea.

There has been a lot of tension with a few individuals. One is an abusive asshole who I'd like nothing better than to disappear. He has a 'magical' hold on someone I care about, but he's a worthless individual. No amount of coaxing, rationalizing, explaining, calming, fixing, is enough to help my friend see the relationship for what it is, so unfortunately there's little I can do but watch and be hurt. The other person is a co-worker. A nosey motherfucker who needs to know everyone's business, but is extremely abrasive, selfish, thoughtless, and self-righteous. We don't get along, we both understand and agree we don't get along - but repeatedly he tries to make sense of it and want the same level of respect and trust I have with people I like working with. Again - there's no convincing this person that change isn't going to happen. So, I am fed up with being alone at home (especially on weekends), and I am easily fed up at work... not finding much escape.

I have somewhere to be shortly, so I am going to close here. Will write more this evening...